A local conservative is doing his very best to pretend he enjoys soccer, as his boycotts of the MLB, NFL and NBA are leaving him without many other sports to watch.

Carl Kirkman, 40, is angered by Major League Baseball’s decision to move the All Star Game from Atlanta to Colorado over changes in Georgia’s voting laws, much like he was angered by NFL players kneeling and NBA players protesting social injustices while ignoring Chinese concentration camps. Thankfully, he pretends, he still has soccer.

“I’ve been a lifelong fan all year of the Arsenal F.C. squadron,” Kirkman said. “A professional football club based in Islington, London, England that plays in the Premier League, the top flight of English football. Soccer – a team sport played with a spherical ball between two teams of 11 players – is so much more refreshing than seeing those overpaid, crybaby, snowflake athletes in baseball or the NBA or the No Fun League whine while their ratings plummet. I don’t miss it at all.”

Kirkman says he is looking forward to pretending he watched their next match whenever it happens.