Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot announced at a press conference Wednesday that the city will move promptly back to Phase 0, an entire reboot of the city starting with a nuclear holocaust.
The decision comes as a response to an increased number of positive tests for coronavirus in the city. The mayor reportedly considered heading from Phase 4 to Phase 3, but decided going all the way back to Phase 0 – in which the city no longer exists – is the best option.
“We need the people of this city to act responsibly,” Lightfoot said. “People have shown they are unwilling to stay home. This means no more bars, no more restaurants, no more CITY. It is time to enter Phase 0.”
As Lightfoot pressed the nuclear button and sirens sounded, reporters scurried out of the room to run for shelter. Upon the destruction of the city, coronavirus cases are expected to decline at least slightly.