By Amelia Hamilton
Welcome to Are We Doomed? The weekly column in which I take a look at recent news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.
This is bad
Just watch the video.
Verdict: Are we supposed to be amused by this, because we are not amused by this (sorry about the royal we). Force is doom. Spraying people in the face is doom. People thinking this is funny or clever is absolute doom.
It doesn’t have to be like this
Speaking of which, people in a very fancy mall got into an all-out donnybrook when somebody cut in line at Bath & Body Works.
Verdict: Nobody likes a line cutter, but have you ever heard of just getting on with your life? It’s an excellent alternative that prevents you from being plastered all over YouTube and facing charges. Half the doom present in the world could be avoided by just letting things go. Instead, these people woke up and chose doom.
Offensive
Easter – the holiest day in the Christian calendar – is being insulted by Reese’s, who has decided to mark the occasion by releasing a chocolate-free peanut butter cup. Honestly, how dare they?
Verdict: We’re going to have to wait and see if anybody buys this. That will give us a good read on the doom.
Weird
Unilever – the company behind brands like Dove, Suave, Vaseline, and Lever 2000 – has decided to get weird. That is, they’re removing the word “normal” from all packaging. If your hair or skin is neither oily nor dry, you’re just going to have to guess.
Verdict: Do these people know there are real problems in the world? We’re doomed if people are focusing on this.
Not aliens?
A “space hurricane” has been detected over the North Pole. At least it’s not aliens. Unless…do you think it’s aliens?
Verdict: I’m going to say this is just Santa testing out some cool new tech and that’s awesome. Because I really can’t handle a space hurricane right now. Not doomed.
In the final analysis… We’ve got violence about masks and body wash, but we’ve also got Santa doing something cool. Next week, I’m gonna need the non-doom to bring it. This is getting precarious.
Want to know if your situation is doomed? Write and tell me about what’s going on and I’ll let you know what you can do to keep the doom at bay (unless it’s just totally doomed, in which case I’ll tell you that, too). You can tweet me @ameliahammy using #AskAmHam, message me through my Facebook page, or e-mail editorial@velvethamster.com. Let me help!